


When The Heart Speaks

by theglamourfades



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 12:26:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16765123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theglamourfades/pseuds/theglamourfades
Summary: Ever since Anna fell in love with Mr. Bates, she has been eager for him to return the feelings. When it seems that he will never change the state of their relationship, Anna takes matters into her own hands on the most romantic day of the year. Set after 1.5.





	When The Heart Speaks

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Banna Valentine's Extravaganza 2014 on Tumblr, for the following prompt:
> 
> "Ever since Anna fell in love with Mr. Bates, she has been eager for him to return the feelings. When it seems that he will never change the state of their relationship, Anna takes matters into her own hands on the most romantic day of the year." (set 1914/1915)

Anna had uttered little more than a few words here and there that evening, not inclined to join in with the chatter that filled the servants' hall. She knew what most of it was about, could make out certain words in snatches of whispers. It was very unfair and bitter of her, but she wished that Mr Carson was there and not in his pantry at this moment so that he could bring a resolute silence upon the place.

She was all too aware of the day that waited just around the corner, the cold winter winds thawing out long enough to warm the hearts of everyone in the house. Well, _almost everyone_ , she thought to herself, catching Miss O'Brien's curdling glare and tightly pursed lips while she continued to work, removing herself purposely from the rest of the staff. An awful notion occurred to Anna just then as she contemplated the older woman sitting opposite. They seemed mirrored in their positions and demeanour this evening, quite separate from the others who were caught with all kinds of excitement.

_What if I were to end up like her one day?_

A shiver of dread ran acutely through Anna's soul; she shuddered visibly in her seat, although nobody saw. Her heart sank like a stone in her chest, becoming heavier than it had been in recent hours and days, weeks and months even.

Valentine's Day was a day for lovers, for those who loved to let their heart's deepest desires show, and for the most part, be rewarded in kind. It had not bothered her one way or the other in the past. It was not a day that was meant for her, not being afflicted with that condition. How she longed to be able to return to that carefree indifference of just a couple of years ago. She was amongst that hopeless number now, well and truly. She was in love, and that was precisely the problem.

Anna had worried incessantly about what there was to do about the coming day, stopped still for long moments in the middle of every one of her duties and plagued with the inability to sleep properly at night. One affected the other, far worse now, and both played their part in the torment of her heart.

Last Valentine's Day was the first in which Mr Bates had been at the house, and the first that she felt utterly sick with love and longing. Yet she recalled that then she had welcomed the sensations, thrilled by their relative novelty. She remembered that she had to stop her hand from trembling, spoiling the small and rather simple card as she wrote it out by candlelight in the room that she shared, almost forgetting to leave off her name. It seemed quite scandalous to her mind but she pressed her lips lightly over the envelope once she had sealed it, a smile remaining as her eyes lingered upon his name for too long before she slid it beneath her pillow. Anna could still feel herself burning crimson when it was handed to him in the secret exchange at breakfast, trying her best not to be too eager or give herself away while she could not take her eyes from him as he opened it with his careful hand. There was a tiny quirk at the corner of his mouth, a softening of his eyes, she thought the faintest blush on the arch of his cheek. Perhaps she was being presumptuous, as seconds after his noble and calm air returned, everything being with him as it had been every morning before then. She had received no card, and even though she had not expected one – not from anybody but certainly not from Mr Bates – she couldn't stop the wave of dejection washing over her.

Since then the feelings she had fought hard to dismiss had only grown stronger, encouraged by how courteous and kind and always understanding he was towards her. _If only he was able to understand all that I feel for him_. He would be good about it, if maybe not completely accepting. She was aware that he carried certain burdens around, had brought them with him almost like prized possessions. Another of his many kind smiles that he offered only towards her was all that it had taken to convince her to be so bold.

_Because I love you, Mr Bates. I know it's not ladylike to say it, but I'm not a lady and I don't pretend to be._

Everything had stopped in those few moments; if she hadn't been staring at him to know that she was still alive, she would have sworn that her heart had ceased beating.

_You are a lady to me. And I never knew a finer one._

She had held onto those words at the dawning of each day and the increasing darkness of each night, clinging onto them as her remnants of hope, never letting his voice fade out in her mind. It was all the confession she had been able to wrest from him, though it wasn't quite what she had wanted to hear, as beautiful and wonderful though it had been. Every time she shared a stolen glance with him at the table or as they met passing in one of the many hallways, she could see it, far past all of his sorrow and misplaced guilt. There had been moments when she had been so close to bringing down his barriers and was certain that the time had finally come when he would take the step to his own freedom, to changing things between them by fully revealing the heart that he had kept hidden. She was near enough to touch, eyes fluttering shut as her hand reached to grasp his, unhindered by the confines of the servants' hall and the absence of the other gazes there to watch and judge them. The chill of the air in the courtyard was ebbing away as she sensed him nearer to her, his arms ready to wrap around her. Her breath hitched; this was the last moment of pretending, at least to one another. Her feet were edging from the precipice, but she was not afraid to fall.

Opening her eyes, she felt a sharp stab to see his hands remained fixed to his side, one gripped around his cane. There was a sombre and sorry expression upon his face, grey and ashen even in the shadows. She hadn't even heard his strangled whispers of her name as she turned, her footsteps falling softly but feeling like lead to her over the cobbles, her tears silenced by the night.

_It's always sad when you love someone who doesn't love you back._

She didn't know that he didn't, she had to keep reminding herself for the sake of her own sanity. If anything, his ongoing silence and the torture that was plain to see written upon him was proof of his love for her. Though he said little in the moments when they were alone and she had enough courage to broach it once more, the words he offered were always the same. She could repeat them syllable for syllable.

_I can't do this to you. It would be wrong. I'd be letting you down. You deserve so much better._

_I can't give you anything._

The longer it went on, the closer she was to losing grip. Her mother would have scolded her, told her that it was nothing but her own doing for being so stubborn. Short of climbing to the top of the roof and bellowing, she saw nothing else that she could do. She supposed that she would just do her best to ignore the day. One more like all the rest wouldn't hurt too much for now, trying to fool herself and quiet the growing ache in the centre of her chest.

Rising from her seat, she didn't think her departure would be noticed, so quiet had she been. But of course, he always noticed her. As she caught his warm gaze angled directly towards her, her stomach jittered and her cheeks began to flush. She touched a hand consciously to her face, only finding him smiling at her as though he knew nothing of her disharmony.

"Are you going up, Anna?"

The softness of his voice, tinged with a slightly hoarse edge, sent tingles rushing through her.

"I am, Mr Bates. It's been quite a day, and I'm afraid I haven't been sleeping all that well lately." She managed a sincere smile towards him, despite her mood.

"Well, I hope you find more rest tonight." As he leant across the table, Anna watched while he clasped his hands together. She was always fascinated with how large they were; she had to imagine that they would cover hers completely. "I shall most likely be following you shortly."

She allowed herself to dream at the meaning he didn't mean for a moment, only a little embarrassed by her thoughts. Lingering in the doorway before she left, she smiled at him, not able to fully conceal all of her feeling. She was never able to now.

"Good night, Mr Bates."

"Good night, Anna. Sleep well," was the last thing she heard from him that day.

In the hush of the hallway, she didn't stop her small sigh emerging.

* * *

"Are you going to put that out soon?"

Anna lifted her eyes slowly from the pages of the book held before her, words blurring on the page in the low light. To her right side, Gwen was propped up on her pillow, covers clutched over her in what appeared to be some desperate way to aid sleep.

She offered an apologetic smile to her friend. "Yes, I will do now. I'm not getting very far anyway."

Anna adjusted the ribbon in her hair, tightening her loose braid just a little before she put the closed book down on the bedside table. She was just about to extinguish the candle when she noticed that Gwen was now sitting up, her whole being quite animated. Anna made a puzzled expression, not being quite sure what could have caused such a rapid turnaround. Perhaps there was an admirer that she didn't know about, but she doubted that would have been it. They shared almost everything in the little while before sleeping and after waking, and Gwen was far easier to get secrets out of than she was. Well, that was until recently.

"Come out with it, then," Anna smirked, adjusting the covers over her legs. "I won't be able to catch a wink otherwise."

Gwen pursed her lips a little reluctantly before breaking into a wide smile.

"I have another interview tomorrow," the words spilled from her excitedly. "It's only somewhere in the village, and it's not for very many hours, but it could be a start. Lady Sybil happened upon the notice when she was on her way to Ripon a couple of weeks ago and passed it along."

"Well, you kept that one quiet," Anna exclaimed, her look softening when she saw Gwen's momentary frown, gone in the next instant. "That's very exciting. Are you all prepared?"

"I think so. At least this one wasn't sprung on me quite so suddenly, so I've had more time to think about it. Although, I'm not sure if that has made it worse." Anna saw Gwen fiddling with the edge of her quilt, her fingers impatiently tapping, the movements familiar. "And it's much harder to practice now that I don't have the typewriter anymore."

Anna smiled as she shook her head, confident in her friend's abilities. "I'm sure you learnt enough. And the more you do, the easier it will become."

"That's one way of looking at it." Gwen sunk down a little, bringing the covers with her. This time she was the one to ease Anna's anxious expression with a shrug.

Anna truly admired her dear friend for having the determination to pursue her goal. She had little idea of Gwen's ambition until it was revealed to the whole hall, and then to the house through Lady Sybil, and the very least she could do to make up for her ignorance was to offer her wholehearted support through all of Gwen's endeavours. It would be very sad to see her go, as she was sure would happen sooner rather than later, but she could be more than happy for Gwen knowing that she would be on the road to fulfilling her dream.

As Gwen settled down onto her side, Anna began to ponder. She hated having to be the voice of reason sometimes, especially given that Gwen seemed so optimistic about this particular opportunity. She didn't wish for her own melancholic mood to rub off but it had seemed to cloud her whole vision tonight.

"What will happen if you don't…of course, I hope that you do," she stumbled over her words and thoughts, offering a small smile which Gwen received gratefully. "But you know as well as I do that these things don't always come down to what they should be about. What if it takes years?"

Gwen wore an expression that was only very slightly sad, and surprisingly very calm. Anna couldn't help but think that her bottom lip was liable to trip her up, the way it must have been protruding with all of her pouting.

"I'm not naïve to think it'll all fall into my lap. A few months ago I never dared to think my dreams would ever be taken seriously, never mind encouraged. I think myself very lucky that someone such as Lady Sybil would take up my case." She paused for a moment to smile, and it was infectious. "She says that no matter who you are, if you are brave enough to take a chance and believe, then you will get there eventually. I always thought that it was easy enough for her to say that, but I think I believe it too now. It may take a little while but you mustn't give up, not even when things seem unreachable. Lady Sybil says that you must just make sure that the next time, your step is that little bit bigger. And that is what I intend to do."

An air of confidence was glowing around Gwen. Anna couldn't fail to be proud, and also felt something spark at her friend's words within her in the increasing shadow of the night as the candle's flame was fading fast. She blew it out swiftly, settling into bed herself, her mind beginning to charge and race in the dark.

"I suppose I could take it as a good omen that it's on Valentine's Day, though I don't know why," Gwen uttered to the ceiling, breaking the silence that had filled the room. "Maybe it'll just be lucky."

"Maybe," Anna uttered back, not intending to say anything further on the subject, turning to face the wall.

"I bet William will try for Daisy again."

Gwen's words were half-muffled to Anna's ears, and she huffed softly as she shifted onto her back again.

"He has every year since they've both been here, so it's a certainty," Anna replied, thinking of the second footman much like her own brother. "Sometimes I think he's too sweet for his own good. I just hope Mrs Patmore doesn't write a card for him again. I know she means well, but he moped for months afterwards when he found out about the last one."

"I know one thing's for sure," Gwen moped, "I won't be getting one from anyone. Not even from one of the dopey hall boys."

Anna smiled against her pillow. "Well, I haven't wrote mine out yet, so don't count against it."

Gwen was sitting up again, knees pulled to her chest. "It's alright. I know that I can't possibly compete with who you have in mind," she teased a little, smirking towards Anna who was flushing once again. "Do you think maybe Mr Bates…"

"Hush, you," Anna cut off Gwen quickly, trying not to let the sadness creep into her voice, though she was feeling better now. "Anyway, I thought you were the one who was badgering me to let out the light?"

Gwen sighed, disappointed that she wasn't going to get more out of Anna. Apart from the rustling of bedsheets, the sound in the room stopped as both strived to get some sleep.

Perhaps it had something to do with the renewed hope she felt moments before, but Anna found that it was much easier to drift off into dreaming that night.

* * *

The morning passed quickly, along with the annual Valentine's card exchange. Anna had decided to leave hers unwritten after all so she couldn't have been too sad when once again she did not receive one from Mr Bates. She didn't go without; at first she was surprised and a little horrified when Mr Carson passed the card to her, wondering what Mr Bates would think to see that she had got a card after all. _Perhaps it would give him the push to say something once and for all_ , part of her thought a little selfishly. However she felt relieved and smirked when she recognised the handwriting; Gwen had gone to no effort at all to disguise it.

Before she went up to begin dressing the girls, she shared a polite smile and her usual morning greeting with Mr Bates. They had some conversation and Anna willed her heart to stop pounding so hard each time he looked at her for a little longer than he probably should have done. Sometimes she wondered if he knew how unfair he was being, believing he was doing the honourable thing by them both.

She reached for her button box from the table just at the same moment at which Mr Bates was putting down his teacup, and the jolt that surged through Anna at the mere brush of their sleeves was enough to send her rocketing into space. Her eyes flickered up eagerly to his and she thrilled to see it there again, the sign that could not be denied in his gaze. In the next second Lord Grantham's bell rang with a shrill tone, and all she was left with was a mumble of apology before he made his way out of the hall.

The sensation settled in her veins for the rest of the day, and gave her even more will to act on what she had set about to do.

* * *

Gwen's groans could be heard down the other end of the hallway, and as Anna approached her she could see that she was of a fluster, the colour on her cheeks almost matching the flame shade of her hair.

"I thought I'd have this all done by now," Gwen garbled, still in the midst of laundry duty. "My half-day will be nothing of the sort at this rate. I haven't had a crumb to eat, and I need to change, and if I miss…"

The poor girl was on the verge of tears, and Anna reached out a soothing hand.

"We'll have none of this, not before your interview. What I have to do can wait for a little bit." She was happy to see that Gwen was calming down, managing a little smile in the light of her own larger one. "I can tell Mrs Hughes that it was quite urgent that you went when you did, you know she's not one to keep to the exact second."

"As long as you don't say I'm ill again," Gwen quipped, "everyone will think I'm a sickly weakling."

"Maybe that would work in your favour," Anna's lips quirked upwards as Gwen shook her head. "Now, go on, shoo." She patted Gwen on the arm before signalling for her to go, wresting one of the laundry bundles into her grasp. "And very best of luck."

Gwen turned around halfway down the hallway to flash a smile. "Thanks ever so much, Anna. I won't forget this."

Anna shrugged as she watched her friend's figure disappear, the fond smile fading from her lips as she sighed. There was not another soul around in this part of the house and there wouldn't be for a little longer, she estimated. If reliable routine was anything to go by, he would have to pass through here from having rearranged Lord Grantham's wardrobe in the morning. Her mouth curved a little again as she very slowly began to move the sacks around her, a bit listlessly.

As expected, his half-step padded along the carpeted corridor, the sound of his cane slightly muffled but still discernible and a relief to Anna's ears. She turned towards him when he got nearer, struggling with the bundles more than was necessary. Straight away a look of concern flooded his gaze, and Anna felt her frantic heart melt as she couldn't help but stare into his eyes, nearly forgetting herself.

"Mr Bates," she uttered breathlessly, the way she drew out his name even more pronounced at this moment, "I don't want to bother you, but you would mind ever so? I only have one pair of hands, more's the pity."

He had already hooked his cane onto his forearm, aiming a gentle smile at her as he grasped one of the sacks. "Certainly not."

They ushered back and forth out of the little room that barely had enough space to move within once the bundles had begun to pile up. Luckily, Mr Bates had discerned to be the perfect gentleman and carried the last remaining sack inside. He was so absorbed that Anna was able to click the door shut quietly behind her, sliding the latch into place to lock it. The first that he noticed was when he turned around to see her dainty frame pressed up against it.

"Do you have anywhere to be?" she enquired, her voice gently pleading.

"Not especially," he answered, a corner of his mouth and an eyebrow beginning to twitch. He had not the faintest idea, and amongst the frustration that was eating away at her soul Anna felt endeared to his ignorance.

"Good." She touched her fingers to the little metal latch, watching Mr Bates's puzzled expression remaining firm in place. Her hands slid to her hips, her tongue darting out to moisten her lips, a sudden assuring motion to steel herself. "Mr Bates, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course." He shaped his mouth as if he would say _'you can ask me anything'_ , but quickly refrained. They both knew that wasn't quite true in actuality, even if it was in sentiment.

Her fingers dug just above her hipbones as she locked her eyes with his. Her heart was like a baby bird beating its wings with abandon, doing its best to learn how to fly.

"Are you happy with the way things are?"

His face wasn't a complete shadow, and she even thought that she saw a small smile begin to spark there. The sign of it made dejection start to sink in; _perhaps she had been wrong all this time._ The silence that persisted strengthened her resolve.

"Between…us."

Her voice was soft with the thought that it could truly be – _her and Mr Bates, not simply friends_ – but lost none of its defiance. She suddenly remembered what day it was, and her cheeks began to flush in the close proximity of the room. _Her and Mr Bates, one day. Lovers._

He had stayed looking at her as the surprised smile disappeared from his lips, bit by bit. Anna's breath caught in her throat as she searched his face while it was still open to her, before he shut his eyes, clenching his jaw tight. Those two small words were hanging in the air that had suddenly become heavy with familiar feelings, in as much as a split second. She could feel the shards and splinters start to meet her feet; she wanted to shake him to speak and embrace him with tenderness, as she had wished to do for so long.

"I know you aren't."

She didn't tremble as she spoke; her calmness made him open his eyes once more to meet hers. He smiled again for a moment, almost as if he couldn't believe that she was taking such a stand and also expecting it completely.

Anna did not let it disarm her, stopping him as he moved to utter her name.

"Please, Mr Bates. You have spoken for me enough over these months, now you must let me speak for you."

He didn't appear to be offended, a realisation in his gaze making him a little shamed as he left the way clear for her to continue.

"You know what my feelings are, and you know that they won't change. No matter what you say about finding someone else eventually, or when you say I will no longer love you when I know of who you are. My heart is too used to the way it beats now, it won't ever alter. I know what real love is, and I know I can only ever share it with the person who has shown it to me."

The soft spark rising in his eyes was reassuring, but not quite enough.

"I won't accept that everything you do for me is only evidence of your being thankful. You may be gracious, Mr Bates, but that would be taking it rather far." She saw him catch sight of her small, knowing smile as it lingered for a moment. "I don't believe that I am mistaken, otherwise you surely would have said by now. I know you are thinking of what is right and proper, and wanting to do good by me, but I don't give a fig about that." Her pitch had risen as her blue eyes widened as far as the ocean. "You can't tell me that you don't feel the same for me as I do for you, and that you don't want things to change, just as I don't wish for them to remain the same a second longer."

The atmosphere in the little room had changed, but it was one that was more than recognisable to them both, revolving round in a circle just as they had been for going on years now. She didn't give up looking at him, and neither did he break gaze in the silence that was starting to lose its perfection.

"If there's one thing that I've learnt about you," she said, a little laugh in her voice aiming to break the tension, "it's that you're a terrible liar, Mr Bates."

She delighted to see his smile, staying for longer than she expected. The green glint of his irises started to cloud over, the resigned sigh coming from the centre of his chest as he ambled a little nearer to her.

"Anna," she could not help but get shivers whenever he said her name, "I care for you, deeply." There was a jolt in her chest; it was the closest he had come to openly declaring his feelings and matching her own, and yet it wasn't quite the same. He let out another soft exhalation. "And it's because of that, that I can't…"

There it was, just as she could have predicted. Another of his noble sacrifices that got them nowhere, and only left a wound that cut deeper. It was enough to make her jump and scream, though she stayed composed.

"Mr Bates, please," she said softly, the pain barely masked in his eyes making her ache. "Don't tell me what you can't do, or at least won't." She had heard that all too many times before, and he knew it as well. Her palm shook a little against the plain of the door; she wished that she could press it upon his chest instead. "Tell me what you feel."

His eyes were boring into her as he raised his head after a moment, unsaid words echoing around them.

"You can grant me that," Anna affixed in a small but unwavering voice. She saw the struggle surging within him, starting to emerge through from his stoic surface. She hated to make him suffer but deep down, they both knew it was needless. For his credit, his figure was growing less closed in the tiny room, his broad chest expanding as he let out an almost silent sigh. He knew that she wasn't intending on backing down this time.

Anna hadn't noticed how close he was to her until it was the only thing that she could be aware of, having not taken her gaze from his. Her breath hitched dangerously as he dipped towards her; she would both be ecstatic and unbelievably frustrated if this was the last breath she was ever to take. She angled her head instinctively, fighting her way out of surprise somehow, and they had been but mere inches apart when he laid his hand very gently on her arm. After the seconds of unnecessary disappointment, Anna smiled at the subtle touch, radiating through the sleeve of her green dress. This was the first time she had felt his touch and the emotions it was producing in her were wonderful and slightly worrying in their intensity.

"I don't know if I can, not with authority." It took everything for her not to wilt at those words, to wrench herself away from him childishly. It was the longing that kept her in place, as well as his eyes falling over her, trained upon the curve of her top lip, and his palm remaining in its place. "I have never felt this way before."

The smile that he allowed to form sparked hope within her heart, nearly leaping from her chest. Coupled with the warm look in the depths of his eyes that softened her to almost a shadow, it was all the proof she needed.

"I am elated, overwhelmed. When I so much as sit beside you, sometimes I can hardly control it." His words were a little ragged, the effect of keeping everything so tightly contained wearing. "I feel honoured that you should even deign to look at or speak to me."

"Mr Bates," she began, her whisper trailing off as she gave a soft shake of her head.

He sighed again, a flash of something darker appearing. "I feel guilt, reproach. I feel a failure for not being able to keep myself under control. I am at fault for letting you believe there could ever be…" He stopped to let his breath even. "And above all, I am abhorrently selfish for wanting you."

The way he said the word made her shiver. He had meant it delicately, of course, but as much as she might have put him on a pedestal the fact remained that he was still a man, and neither was she naïve to her own desires. The thoughts faded fast from her mind as she traced the anguish building in his expression. Two of his fingers still rested on her arm, unwilling to join the ones he had prised away, as if he was expecting her to disappear once he said what he had to say.

"I have no right to feel what I feel for you, Anna." The cut was deep, but she did not believe that it was fatal. It was only what she had expected, in many ways. He was shaking his head vigorously, but they both knew it was overcompensating. "No right for myself, but especially no right for you. It will end up hurting you, and of all the things I have done I would never be able to forgive myself for that."

She was already hurting, from the sweetest kind of pain imaginable. She wanted to tell him that she was a grown woman and that she could handle it. She was sorry that he knew he was causing her all of this, and in turn she felt worse for his suffering. She couldn't help but believe that every fabric of both of them was so carefully aligned; a cause and effect. One could not survive without the other.

"This can never be what you want. I can never be what you want. I know you understand that, I cannot insult you by believing you think otherwise."

Her gaze was fixed upon him. How someone so good could hold so much sadness and such a poor opinion of himself should have changed something within her, but it never would.

She was not willing to turn herself out with argument, though she would defend him from every word he uttered for eternity. What was in her heart was stronger than any case she could put forth.

"But you don't deny it," she said, simply, honestly. Amongst all of his excuses and hard-wrought battles of opinion, it was all that mattered to her. To him too, she knew.

His voice was low; she strained to hear him as he turned a little, but what he uttered was steady, certain. Anna couldn't quite read the expression upon his face, but it was not one of regret, she could tell that much.

"I don't."

"Well, there we are, then."

She couldn't help it, her lips were curved in a victory of sorts. Anna moved forward a little, aiming to put her arms about him, the thrill of wondering how he would feel against her palms before she knew for certain scorching through her. He pushed back on his heels, looked suddenly crestfallen and even a little angry, and they were both woken from a dream.

"Anna," he spoke a little roughly, "do you not see?" Immediately his gaze turned reproachful, his frame shrinking.

"I see perfectly well."

There was a shadow of a smile at how undeterred she remained.

"I have had so many chances in life, and my actions have almost certainly ruined nearly every one of them. I cannot do the same with yours."

"You're being rather presumptuous, Mr Bates." She felt compelled to lighten the mood, though when she looked up into his eyes everything still remained.

"I have wrecked and ruined so much. I will not do the same with what is between us. If I ever spoilt something so special, I would deserve everything that could be thrown at me."

Her heart was skipping several beats within one second. Even if it wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear, she had never heard him be so candid. _Something so special._ She had traced the movement of his lips as he had said it, memorising the movement, wanting to catch the words with her own urgently.

Through all the pain and every demon he was fighting incessantly, there was a moment of clarity. His eyes roamed over the features of her face, and she allowed him willingly, a little embarrassed by his attentions but not in the least bit ashamed. She felt revered, she felt more valued than she ever had done in her life.

"Better to love and lose, than never love at all," he breathed, less weight in his words now than previously.

Anna was momentarily perplexed, a darker blue streak casting in her irises as she crinkled her forehead. He was so close for her to touch, it was making her lose all conscious thought.

"But I won't lose you," she said innocently, smiling and imagining her small palms pressed to his torso. It was the last of her intentions, and however it went with them he would always remain etched on her heart any way.

A corner of his mouth quirked almost imperceptibly at the way she was staring wide-eyed up at him.

"You'll lose more by being with me," he offered her gently, regretfully. "Your chance to be wed, to have children."

"I don't need those things." She _wanted_ them, dearly and desperately, but only with him. Only ever with him. She knew that reality made the dream difficult, but she could make peace with it, so long as she had his love for life.

His brow knotted as he took in her sacrifice, one of a million that she would be willing to make.

"Your prospects and your reputation, should things ever slip too far from our grasp. It would be better if I was out of your life entirely."

He might have wanted to convince himself of that, but she didn't believe it for a second. Two hearts tied together, both torn apart. If she ever had to choose between her life remaining how it was and a life without him, there would be no option. She envisaged giving up what little she had in her possession without second thought, running away with him if it was the only way. He would argue that she didn't know what she was offering if he knew of what she thought, but she knew only too well.

She realised she was staring him out as her eyes remained locked with his, his head bowed slightly and his right hand clasped around the head of his cane. His features were so fraught yet still kinder than she had seen on any man. He believed he was being kind, after all. Just as he made her strong enough to be herself, he spoke to every weakness she had.

"As much as I wish it wasn't true, nothing can come of this." His voice was thinning, his expression pained. "I have nothing to offer you."

Anna huffed silently for a moment. _Would he ever learn?_ He could be just as stubborn as she was. It was one of the things she loved about him, one of the many. _More fool you_ , she often thought. Things could have been so much easier, but her mother always told her that she would insist on taking the hard road.

"You have everything to offer me," she spoke plainly, saying what was only the truth, "because you are everything to me."

Perhaps she had not expected him to utter her name pleadingly, tell her how sweet but misguided she was being before tearing himself down further. He did not do such things, remaining silent in front of her; his usual mechanism. Except he shifted nearer to her, causing her to lean forward unconsciously. She noticed his empty hand lifting towards her, as if to catch her if she were to swoon.

She regained her sense of composure, as difficult as it was proving with him so close, his figure filling up the space about her but still giving her the chance to be as free as she wished. It echoed in her head; the sentiment that centred her but drove her to the edge, the beginning and the end and everything inbetween.

"I love you, Mr Bates."

It wasn't as frantic as her first confession; she felt utterly calm, a great peace rushing through her. Their situation may have not been the perfect conditions for it, but now she did not let that faze her. You couldn't change what was true, and there was nothing else that she could have said, lest she repeated the words until she forgot all others.

She did not expect a reply. It was what it was, on both sides. A weight had lifted from her shoulders; she could not have let this day pass, out of all of them, without reaffirming how she felt.

His eyes seemed to flash a myriad of different shades, while his face remained set except for a small twitch at the corner of his mouth. In this cramped room, Anna saw something she had never glimpsed in him before. He seemed to stand straighter, even taller than usual as her eyes flickered upwards. She rather liked this air of quiet confidence that covered him without losing any of his humility. Only he could match those two qualities so well.

Her shoulders jumped upwards as his cane clattered to the floor, and he mouthed an apology which she smiled away. She sucked in the same smile when he brushed the backs of his fingers over her cheek. The tingles surging in her limbs were a thousand times more than when he had touched her arm mere minutes previously. Her mouth hung open a little as she gazed up at him, his fingers leaving a trail of pleasant heat in their path upon her skin. His tenderness with her said the words for him.

"And I love you, Anna."

The sigh she let out within herself, that surely would have been heard from the other side of the house if she had released it, was disguised by the smile that had erupted on her face. They had moved things along, finally, and it seemed all too appropriate, even somewhat easy.

She brought out her hands to steady herself and was inordinately pleased when they met the warm breadth of his chest. Mr Bates swept his hand around, freeing some loose strands of hair from underneath her cap as he cupped her cheek. Underneath the tips of her fingers she could feel his heart thudding just as loud and fast as hers was, and she smiled at their complete synchronicity, one of her palms having lifted to reach to his jaw. The surge of feelings had stemmed in them both, the space between them was closing rapidly. Their breaths were mingling; she let her eyes close in anticipation, and then she was met with cold air and a loss of something that she had not yet had the pleasure of knowing.

A new wave of frustration and disappointment arrested Anna as she opened her eyes once more to gaze up at Mr Bates. She supposed that even after overcoming such a hurdle he was bound to be the one to have second thoughts.

"Do you want our first kiss to be in here?" he whispered, a boyish smile playing at his lips. Anna felt more than a little overcome at the candour of his words, coupled with the look in his eyes that spoke of such joy at letting out what he had kept imprisoned in himself for so long.

"I don't think I mind," she answered bluntly, slightly breathless. "I would kiss you in the middle of the servants' hall."

His eyes widened as she let out a giggle, stifling it with her hand. "That's incredibly daring."

"And aren't you glad that I am?"

She watched him turn sheepish and shy, his eyes softening at their edges. Seeking her permission, which was quickly given wordlessly, he slipped his fingers against hers, linking them together. As their palms kissed, Anna's hand almost disappearing against his, she smiled widely. Casting a quick glance at the stuffy, cramped surroundings, she could see he had a point. It wasn't the most romantic of places, and a secret so suddenly revealed didn't deserve to be shut tight again, at least not to the two people who could keep it.

She saw his throat bob while he swallowed, his gaze pinned upon hers, bent slightly so that their foreheads were almost touching.

"I have to be sure," he asked, a little tremble in his tone, "that this is what you really want. That I am what you want. I wouldn't dream of it, if it was not what you wished."

Anna took in a breath, trying hard not to laugh aloud. She had never been surer of anything; it was like asking her if she believed that the sun rose in the east each day.

"Of course I am," she said firmly, her smile betraying all of her assurance. "For as long as I live, if I had nothing else, I could not possibly be happier."

His smile was small, but it still lit him up completely. Anna found that she was growing to need the feel of his thumb brushing softly over her knuckles.

"Later," his breath was hot upon her cheek, his other hand sliding down towards the door handle, "I can't promise you much, but I can promise you this."

She stepped back, dipping to scoop his cane from the floor. He accepted it from her grasp, thanking her with a nod of his head. Already she missed his hand circled in hers.

"Thank you for the help, Mr Bates," she found herself saying automatically, laughing inwardly at how absurd she was being. Instead he smiled at her, and she knew she had done the right thing by getting him here under slightly false pretences.

"It was my pleasure," he replied sincerely, turning to face her in the doorway. "Thank you, Anna."

Her heart fluttered as she took in all of his meaning.

* * *

They found themselves underneath a clear moon that brightened the pitch black of the courtyard, being positioned towards the far reaches of it. Anna had struggled to make it through dinner, her mind filled with what was awaiting, and apologised after the third time her fork had clattered loudly against her plate, her eyes meeting those of Mr Bates and almost giving her away. Luckily, the family were hosting guests that evening so neither of them was needed as urgently as they would be usually, giving them the opportunity to spend a little more time together, out of doors and away from the other servants', as Mr Bates had promised and Anna couldn't have forgotten, the thought getting her through the rest of the afternoon and evening.

The night was crisp, and as the cold wind bit closer she shivered a little more. Before they had settled Mr Bates had extended the offer of his jacket to her, but she politely declined, knowing the conditions would be bad enough for him as it stood. Instead they sat a little closer to one another on the crate, a move partly brought about by the chill of the night air but also due to the events that had unfolded that day.

Anna couldn't bite back the smile when she thought about it all, how things had finally changed between them. Already she felt quite different, knowing for certain that Mr Bates felt the same way that she did, that it wasn't all a dream that as pleasant as it was was always destined to remain out of her grasp. He had spoken softly to her when they came out into the night, his arm guiding her without touch at her back, the timbre of his voice sending thrills coursing through her – somehow he sounded different when he was speaking to her alone and privately. The truth of the matter couldn't be avoided. There would be quite a wait, if indeed anything did happen to ensure that they could be together properly. Everything about him, from his gentle tone to the way he wrinkled his brow, spoke of deep apology for the fact. Anna's lifted heart couldn't be tethered down. The wider world may have remained unaltered but a world of difference had been forged between them, and for now it was all she could have asked for.

She pursed her lips, barely containing the joy she felt to have his arm about her, bringing her in a little nearer to his side. It would have been natural for her already to have laid her head down just beneath his shoulder, but she longed to look at him instead. In the moonlight his eyes shone; they were lit with the affection she was beginning to know so well and a clarity that left them unclouded to her, a quality that was entirely new and deeply encouraging.

"I'm learning just how cunning you can be," he uttered, hand curling delicately at her side, "all that business with the snuff box, and today, taking matters into your own hands." His lips curved wonderfully, granting her a smile that she had not seen before and that almost stopped her heart. "I should tell myself to be careful."

Anna let out a little giggle, watching him as he regarded her, apparently fascinated by the way she was smiling and laughing so openly.

"I know that I didn't give you much say in the matter," she said, with only an inkling of regret for how she had handled things.

"It's quite alright." His smile was just as captivating to her, more so for the fact she had not seen it as often. "Your courage is one of the things that I most admire-" his hand moved down to the small of her back, fingertips brushing softly as he corrected himself, "- _love_ about you."

Anna blushed a little, overjoyed to hear him say it. Now that he had begun, at last, she rather hoped he would never stop.

Mr Bates' smile cracked momentarily, Anna mourned the loss of it. "And we both know that if it was left up to me that you would have been waiting for another ten years."

"I should like to think it wouldn't have taken quite that long," she exclaimed, her tone and whole being softening the longer she gazed at him. "I understand why, I honestly do. Your friendship is a treasure to me, Mr Bates, and I should never wish to lose it." She took in a steadying breath that she didn't really need. "But when we both know that friendship isn't all that we share, I thought that it was a risk worth taking. For us both to be happy."

She felt his eyes upon her, such warmth in the chill that otherwise surrounded them. The smile sparked on his face again, growing wider as compensation for his arm shifting away from her.

"I hadn't forgotten," he said in a voice that had the faintest tinge of timidity, adjusting his jacket to bring out a small sealed envelope. Anna could see that her name was etched upon it in his elegant handwriting, and a giddy kind of excitement built up within her, as though everything had remained the same as it had been before.

Mr Bates smiled fondly when it was passed into Anna's dainty hands, watching as she eagerly unfurled the card.

"I realise it would be quite improper for me to give you a gift, with everything as it stands. But I still wanted to mark the day in some way. I have noticed how disappointed you have been, and it pains me to see."

Anna shook her head lightly at his remorse, catching a faint smile before her eyes fell to what was held in her hands. It was simple, understated; ivory-coloured card with a pinkish red heart emblazoned on the front. Tears of happiness and a little surprise sprung to her eyes when she read the inscription inside.

_Dearest Anna,_

_This is the gift I give to you, though you have already owned it for a great while. When I cannot offer the world to you, I offer this to you entirely. I know it cannot be in better care._

_With love and eternal admiration,_

_John_

She was overwhelmed by the gesture, not having expected it, her head feeling a little light and her stomach turning somersaults.

"I'm afraid you have the poorer end of the deal," he said softly, his expression a little sorrowful. "I wish I could give it to you in better condition, not so worn and battered."

Her voice shook as she rushed to get her words out, rather saddened by what he had just said. "Oh, Mr Bates…"

"At least it isn't broken anymore." Anna looked up to see his smile again. "And that is because of you."

Those words melted her own heart. In slow motion, fighting against the harsh gust of wind that had decided to blow at that moment, Anna leaned forward, the crate they were both perched on yielding slightly with her motion. In an effort to protect her but also on complete instinct, Mr Bates' hand rose to rest on her cheek. She welcomed his touch like nothing else she could imagine; at least, that was until the next moment, the moment she had waited her whole life for.

At first, his lips were cold from the night air and she felt a tingle she hadn't anticipated meet with the million she could have guessed at dancing upon her own. However they soon became warm with each press against hers, their mouths moulded, meeting and moving in perfect time. With every caress, Anna was left in no doubt of his experience and it thrilled her, not leaving her self-conscious about her own relative innocence in the slightest. She knew that this was only the first of many kisses they would share and already she was eager to know of all the others that would follow. Yet he was careful and tender with her too; she could discern with every brush of his lips against hers, and the way his fingers were gently stroking at the nape of her neck. If he never spoke of his love for her again, she would be sure of it in the way he kissed her just like this.

Their hands had found their way to one another too, hers splayed out and resting over his upon his lap. Their very souls were connected.

In the moments afterwards, all Anna could do was smile. She relished the sweep of his fingers over the curve of her cheek and the warmth of his arms embracing her as they allowed themselves a little more intimacy in their altered situation. Of course, the little time they had to themselves passed by too fast but after such a time waiting, it felt like a lifetime's worth to Anna.

As they entered the house again, they parted from one another but remained closer than before in heart.

Laying her head down hours later, Anna smiled to herself in the dark, thinking briefly of another room on the other side of the corridor. While she was sad this day was ending, it would be one she would hold dear for a long time.

Valentine's Day was for her, after all. It was for them.

Her and Mr Bates.


End file.
